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Free clean Jokes. Free funny clean jokes. Free kids Jokes.

Here are some more free jokes. This page has all different type of joke that doesnt really wont fit other joke categories.
Most of these free jokes are not offensive and apear to be clean jokes, I THINK..

Lazy free joke

Couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the deck, drinking beer and watching the wife mow the lawn.
Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me
"You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!" Sod off and mind your own business i said.
My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening".
After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. now my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us.
Click here to see pic of new lawn mower

Free wife joke

A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead

Free doctor joke

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Long but funny joke about The power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, He should've quit while he was a head

Free dead woman joke

Man rings up the local paper to place an obituary for his late wife.
He only had a pound so could only afford 3 words.
He wrote "Margrat is dead"
The clerk felt sorry for him and gave him another three words for free.
Her wrote "Margret is dead - fiesta for sale".

Long but funny joke

A woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

free barbie joke

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie For $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
Skater Barbie for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's nuts."

free joke girls name

A little girl walks into a shop. A lady behind the counter says "you're a lovely girl what's your name
Daisy she replies, the lady says "well thats lovely how did you get a name like that"
the little girl replies when my mommy was pregnant a daisy petal landed on her tummy so she called me daisy.
The next day another little girl walks into the shop and again the lady says "you're a lovely girl what's your name the girl replies Rose , the lady says "well thats lovely how did you get a name like that" the little girl replies " when my mommy was pregnant a rose petal fell on her tummy so she called me Rose".
The lady say "well thats lovely".
The next day a retarded little girl walks into the shop drooling and struggling to walk. The lady says umm what's your name the little girl replies "Piano".

Long but funny free joke

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two live lobsters.
It was three weeks after the season closed and he bumps into the Federal Fisheries Officer who upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters says: Well me Laddie I got you this time with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed
The guy says, No These are trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.
The Fisheries Officer says, Trained like how
Well each day I takes these two down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim.
While they swim I sits and has me a smoke, after about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home
Likely story the Fisheries Officer says Lets take them on down the wharf and see if its true
So the guy goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
He then lights up a smoke, After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the guy, How about whistling
The guy says What For
The Fisheries Officer says, To call in the Lobsters
The guy says, What Lobsters

free tigger joke

why did tigger look inside the toilet
he was looking for pooh

George W Bush Free joke

George said,
No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One. The second kid said,
I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans. George said, I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them
The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, But you don't look like you are handicapped.
The kid says, I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning

Funny redneck Free joke

A couple are getting married in a big fancy church with all of the relatives and friends in attendance.
The priest is going through the nomal procedure and when he comes to the part If anyone objects to the union of these two people in Holy Matrimony let them speak now or for ever hold their peace.
A redneck in the back row jumps up and hollers I object, I am in love with her and she's carrying my baby
As the gathering gasps in surprise the redneck runs up the aisle, shoves the groom aside and rips off the brides veil.
After a moment of silence the redneck exclaims, Hey you aint my sister

Old man Free joke

A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.
The Rabbi asked, What's wrong
The man replied, My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be
The man then pleads, I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do
The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, Ill see what I can find out and Ill let you know.
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
Do you want my advice
Of course the man said yes... and the Rabbi replied
Take the poison.

Army Free joke

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

Polish Free joke

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
Can you read this the optician asked. Read it he said, I know the guy.

Lottery free joke

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery
The husband said, Oh my God What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff
Doesnt matter, she said. just get out.

Free old people joke

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Ednas heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is youre being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but hes dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home

free shopping joke

Husband and wife are shopping in Tescos when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
What do you think youre doing asks the wife
Theyre on offer only £10 for 24 cans he says
Put them back. We cant afford it says the wife and they carry on shopping
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
What do you think youre doing asks the man Its my face cream.
It makes me look beautiful she says.
SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE

funny free golf joke

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.
no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
How does that feel
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Free old lady joke

Three women, two younger and one old sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was abeeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
That was my pager she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
two minutes later a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained,
That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
The older woman felt very low-tech, not to be out done,
she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from arse.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her
. The older woman finally said............
Well will you look at that........I'm getting a fax.

Smart arse joke

A college professor explaining to the pupils that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late for tomorrows exam.
A medically certifiable illness or a death in the family.
A smart ass student waved his hand and spoke up.
what about extreme sexual exhaustion, As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor said. Well,I guess youll just have to learn to write with your other hand.

Jesus At The Bar joke

An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar. Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats jesus!". So they all buy jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters, and the scouser buys him a bitter.
After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands. He shakes the Irish man's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell jesus, that bad back i've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis i've had for 20 years has just disappeared!". Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, Fuck off, i'm on disability.

Gorilla joke

A man sees a gorilla on his roof. so he calls the "Gorilla Removers". . The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner. If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog

Parrot joke

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird got more rude. Finally he put the bird in the freezer, He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness. David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, May I ask what did the chicken do?

joke joke

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, Beerrr Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling,lemonadeee, Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling wheeeeeeeee

Biker joke

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other. So what's going on here? he asks. The biker replies, My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit. The cop says, I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT. The biker replies, That's what I'm going to do next

Monkey joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer? The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it.

Dog Joke

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. But of course, the man answers, he can even gratify a woman. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done.

Scientist Joke

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned

Elephant Joke

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" That's the elephant's tail, she replies. No, under the tail, says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's pen*s, son." So, why did mum say it was nothing? asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Parrot Joke

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

depressed joke

I was depressed lastnight, so I rang the Samaritans, got through to their call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane (fuck off its a joke)

Lewis Hamilton joke

After the racist abuse in spain lewis hamilton has gone into hidding. a spokesman for mcClaren said he will come down from the tree when he is hungry.

Peace in the world joke

A female CNN journalist heard that a very old Jewish man had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day
So she went to the Western Wall to check it out, and there he was praying
she approached him for an interview
"Pardon me, sir how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing!
What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. all the wars and all the hatred to stop. for all ourchildren to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin brick wall."

Co Habiting joke

Ive just heard that the govenrment has given partners who live together for two years the same rights as married couples. so after two years she can have half of your stuff.
I think this is great coz my stuff is SHIT and i would gladly give it away for two years of free sex.

Jeremy Beadle jokes

After the death of Jeremy beadle there will be a minutes silence tomorow at noon.
Thats when the big hand meets the little hand.
Wer'e having a little party to celbrate the life of Jeremy Beadle. Nothing major, just a small finger bufffet
Jeremy Beadle has requested his remains are recycled into compost and scattered on his garden. ITV sources say he could be back in early Autum with "Watch out, Beadles a Sprout"
what has a big hand a small hand and no longer ticks... ok ill stop with the beadle jokes

Happiest Day of my Life joke

I arrived at the church,the wife was waiting at the alter, I walked up the aisle and gently kissed her on the cheek, smiling as i thought to myself "0h my god yes", THEN I CLOSED THE FUCKIN LID

wife joke

man comes home from work to find his wife has her bags packed, iam leaving you she said, i can get paid £400 a time for what i give to you for nothing, wait ill come with you he says, Why she askes, well i want to see how your going to live on £800 a year.

Bad Day joke

Guy sat in a bar looking sad. the local bully goes takes his pint and drinks it. the man starts criying..hold on said the bully no need to cry it was only a pint ill buy you a new one. it not the said the man but this has been the worst day of my life. first i am late for work so the boss sacked me, then i go outside to find my car was stolen, so a call a taxi t take me home and leave my wallet on the back seat, then i find my wife in bed with my best mate, so i come to this pub and you drink my poison.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

WHY

  • can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
  • do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
  • do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
  • do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
  • are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink
    • .

Knock Knock joke

KNOCK KNOCK - whos there, Russel Grant, Fuck off you fat bastard.

sudan joke

While i agree with the 15days in jail for the teacher in Sudan, i thought the deportation to Liverpool was a bit harsh.